OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
im having a threesome with these popsicles
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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