i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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