12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize