There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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