I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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