lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
