Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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