So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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