my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
