I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
