Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
