my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize