that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
