hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
