i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize