He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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