my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
