Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
