Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Hippo gnu deer
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
