he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
