it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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