my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
