3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
