she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize