Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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