Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Randomize
