I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Your penis caused this!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
