Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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