this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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