You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
