did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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