Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize