I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
