you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
