So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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