Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
