Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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