Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
she looked like the before picture.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Green mimosas i think yes
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
