the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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