god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Everything about him screamed your future.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize