apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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