i was born a porn star she said
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize