i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
