I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
