I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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