Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I did not marry a roomba.
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