Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
