did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
