Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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