If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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