I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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