I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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