Well apparently he's into motor boating.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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