stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
