I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
