You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
