do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
