Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
