It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
