My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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